i can't believe it still.
no more ij):

it feels so weird. it's like riding a bike (okay, i don't ride bikes but whatever). you start of with those trainer wheels right? like, the small ones on the side. so you had 4 wheels. and you kept going forward, knowing you were safe. and you always wondered when you'd get to take them off and how liberated you'd feel. yet, you never knew they could possibly hold so much sentiment.

and when you've finally taken them off, it's almost like you don't know what to do. you're on your own with nothing but 2 wheels(your faith) and your feet to get you going. you're unsure and apprehensive. you don't want to keep going cause you don't want to fall.

keep your eyes on the road.

but you can still keep going. and as you continue your foray into a world with little comfort, you realise that you can still balance. and this ability to balance was taught to you, nutured and cultivated in you, trained and hell even forced into you. and it's because of the trainer wheels that you feel so safe still. you can almost still feel them there. you just can't believe they're gone. you'll keep turning behind, i'm sure, constantly thinking that you'll see those 2 little wheels but at the same time realising it was not so much the fact that they were there that helped you, but what they taught you and how they changed you.

so,
thank you IJ

for all the sweet memories and lessons i'll live to never forget.

ILY

oh the horror!
today was our last day in ij!

okay, maybe it was a half-day. but whatever. we spent most of it running around and taking pictures. didn't get to take pictures with everyone and all the teachers ): but, i don't know. it just really doesn't feel like goodbye. it's almost as though, it's just not possible; 10 years in ij! and to think that today was the last official day.

i couldn't stop crying when i got home. felt like crap most of the time. everyone's talking about what jc they're aiming for and stuff but can you really phantom not being in ij? it's just so hard to imagine. we won't be able to scream and shout as loud as before, we can't skip and run about screaming "i love you!", "did you miss me?", "darling" and a considerable number of other endearments down the corridoors. omg! no more singing happy birthday competitions. haha. and we have to disband the coffee club since baba is going to poly even though i wish her all the very best in her stylish endeavours. oh, this is terrible. we're not going to be together anymore. i hate the thought of jc. or any other post-secondary education for that matter, simply because it is not ij. no matter what they say about cj, you know it's never gonna be the same and that's really putting me off. i don't know where i want to go right now. oh no! what if we can't have like these moments when we all just go seriously high (on oxygen... or just each others' company, i swear) and just laugh like nobody's damn business!? ahhh! arielene!!!!

on the bright side, andrea tan, judith and me learnt a number of very interesting new things during math tuition today. all of which have nothing to do with math. but anyway, we learnt that bananas can be red! omg, mr tan, our math tuitor gave us red bananas. it was damn strange. we took pictures of it. haha. and i told mr tan about darth vadar. haha! okay, inside joke. i think only ij girls will know who i'm talking about cause i've told the story to a lot of people. we also learnt more about mr tan's twin, his wife's twin, our very strange neighbourhood and that mr tan cannot whistle. haha. totally random.
but andrea was like "you can't whistle?"
and he was like "no."
then judith and me said "you can whistle?"
andrea: "no, but that's not the point!"
and she only realised he had a ceiling fan after like, 3-4 years of going to mr tan for tuition? haha. funny thing is she only realised it because mr tan said another student who'd been with him for 3 years didn't realise it. haha. i have to buy all my teachers really special presents. they rock. haha. and we spent 4 hours at math tuition... i think we talked more than anything else but who cares right? it was just one whole day jam packed with nostalgia. oh man. why!? i hate growing up. we should all call peter pan to come and pick us up so we can go play with fairies in neverland.

i should go sleep now.

praise the Lord.
"whatever happens, always remain at peace and trust in God"

i love those words by blessed nicholas barre. somehow we always think it's so hard to trust God but the truth is all the while we're just clinging on to him for support, telling him we don't know what to do; that's trusting him isn't it? just letting him do what's best.

i loved the retreat after prelims! fr simon is funny. the whole thing was really meaningful(: i think that was just what i needed after the whole year, the past 3 years, in fact. and it came just in time.

the past few weeks in school have been really hilarious. but somehow quite sad too. it was a bit overwhelming today when i looked around. (even though almost half my class didn't show up...) i keep wondering if i'll ever have what i have here in ij with any place else. and i know the answer's no. like how i'll never get to draw absolute rubbish on post-its with mang, baba and sam during lessons. i'll might not get the chance to hold cute little conversations with tiny handwriting on sam's post-its, i won't get to talk about what i want to name my kids and how i want to die with arielene, i won't get to go over to 4/3 during recess and learn how to play cards and talk about random stuff, no more losers corner, no more bullying phoebe): sigh.

and i wasted the triple chinese today. i ended up reading the bell jar even though i know i'm not supposed to read it cause my mom is afraid i might just spiral into depression the way sylvia plath did. but i'm dying to read it! i only read something about this guy called buddy being a hypocrite cause i flipped open to some random pages.

please believe me when i say i'm trying.

isn't it funny how after you finally manage to stand, you always get pushed down?

okay, i need to stop this emo mood. it's not good. health-related studies have shown that you can die of a broken heart. but right now i'm feeling like i might die just from a multitude of them. please God, don't do this to me again. don't drag me back there, please. i can't go back there, ever again. cause i swear i won't make it back out.

what happened to humanity?

ahhh, the break thing is eating me up inside. i'm supposed to be studyyyying!!! i feel doomed. i haven't started on sova. oh shit. i need to file my notes properly so i don't keep making notes for the same topics every time an exam comes. i don't have that kind of time.

and the true effect of my weight gain has just crashed down on me. yes, i caused that last earthquake. like, omg, i don't want to sound like a bloody bimbo but, where the hell did the 4kg come from!? i don't trust the weighing scale in school. i think my estimation skills are better. i keep pulling at the bits of fat (that i just realise existed) around my cheeks. this is not good. my skin will stretch and i will look terrible when i grow old. argh.

okay, focus, FOCUS! sometimes i wonder if i'm really balding due to nutritional reasons or because i'm actually pulling the hair out.

oohhh!

okay, i have just watched the This Is It trailer.
and it's super coooool. i mean, i still think jackson looks quite sickly but it's impressive considering the situation.

and the dances at the vmas were friggin lousy! omg, the guys were terrible! the girls weren't bad, i'll give them that. but the guys were really gross. the part where janet jackson came out and danced in sync with the video was cute. from the moment she walked out you could see the pain written on her face man, gosh, it must have took hell to get up there. but the smooth criminal part was totally butchered by the dancers. they were far from smooth. one guy couldn't even do the anti-gravity lean properly. i have no idea why even with the stage prop. maybe he couldn't slide his shoe over in time, but he looked really retarded. and i don't know if it was the same guy, but he couldn't grab the money in time and with not even a hint of agility.

and kanye west is a bumbling fool.

PTL, most of my papers are over. just amath and sova. my sister and me are still laughing over the "boomz" comment. it's totally hilarious. like, who says that? seriously!? i never knew singaporeans spoke like that. but it's a new idea to jump out at someone and yell, "boomz!". my sister claims that maybe the civil defence siren went off yesterday because she said it again. yes, and explosion of laughter. but jokes aside, that girl obviously didn't think it was weird, so we should stop persecuting her for being different. just pray next year we get one that speaks proper english

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,
we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.

And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

-Breathe (2 am) by Anna Nalick

women sigh so that they don't scream.

and my sister just gave this really loud sigh that scared the crap out of me. i kind of forgot she was in the room too.

yesh, she is back from boarding schoolll.

and we now have no maid. how great. finally. seriously, she caused more problems than almost any maid we've had. this is one of those times when i feel like the government does more to help foreigners that us. but then again, i'm sixteen. who cares about what i say.

i think the republicans should leave mr obama alone for once. just let the man do his job for goodness sake. you don't have to go around speculating and calling him crazy things just because you aren't a democrat. gosh, some democracy they have. up till now they've been contradicting all they claim they stand for and i don't see how they could have the audacity to still claim such. at least our government comes out to say our pledge is not a reality, it's an aspiration (how far we are from it i shall not comment). i think that's probably one of the few times, or even the first time that i have praised my government on my blog! hey! i'm making progress.

i just wasted 4 days. omg, elizabeth tan!? just where are yooo? it's already september of 2009! not 2008!

and to think i used to write the year as 2009 when it was only 2007.

340th post!

and happy birthday michael jackson.

it's amazing how he still has such a massive influence from the grave.

after church today we rushed back to watch his history tour on channel 5. omg, i was swearing at every driver on the road because they were so damn slow! i nearly wound down the window to yell: "ey people! MOVE! michael jackson is about to start!" haaha, yeah, i'm that crazy. but my dad was driving like a maniac so we could get home on time.

of course the late mj rocked in concert. he always does. and i got annoyed at my cousin a few times for making unwarranted comments so after whacking him a couple of times with a pillow he stopped(: it was cute the way we were all glued to the tv. i seriously think if i was one of those girls at his concert i would have screamed non-stop. maybe even fainted! the backup dances looked pretty pathetic next to him. i got quite annoyed at them after a while...

but mj really looks weightless for some reason. he just does it so effortlessly and all the backup dances struggling behind him just get on your nerves. haha. maybe that's why they put them there. to make him look even better! but that would have been unnecessary. i can't believe he didn't sing man in the mirror though. but when he sang heal the world, all the kids came out and the little girl was so damn cute! gosh, they sure know how to pick adorable children. haha.

sigh, what a tragic end to so much talent. i really think that doctor is in deep shit right now. he just killed one of the most loved people in the world. yes, and one of the most baffling too.

ey, rc made me realise something
just because i took a subject (or take) doesn't mean i actually learnt anything.

watch out. teenager angst coming out right about now.

but seriously, what on earth are we studying for? the education system is already so screwed up that we're just making life more difficult for ourselves in order to keep up with people who love making their life hell. this education system only works for muggers and conformists. it basically tells you, do or die. there's no room for mistakes. damn, there's no bloody room to even breathe! and they blame us for not having creativity? why don't they go look at the system and then rethink that thought before i shoot them. anyway, i, a non-conformist, feel that we have been brainwashed. like in to kill a mokingbird.

scout's class is made to repeat "we are a democracy". isn't that ironic? for obvious reasons and
that they don't actually get to figure for themselves if they truly are a democracy? even now, sometimes you really wonder where is the democracy in America, the country that prides itself in being the land of dreams and freedom. yet, in their own ms usa pageant slammed a contestant for giving her honest opinion, which might i add that according to atticus, she is "entitled to". i mean, if they wanted some crapped up politically correct answer, then why'd they even ask? and the judge said he wanted the "perfect" ms usa who doesn't "isolate". what stupid reason is that? she didn't isolate anyone, she just told the people what she felt. she gave them the choice to disagree, she didn't force her views on them. she gave a reason for her view too. and "perfect" does not exist in this world. urgh. this is absolutely disgusting. and obama said practically the exact same thing as her. and no one persecuted him. so you're saying that ms usa can't be honest but mr obama can go ahead. i think some of us would start to detect gender bias at this point and i utterly loathe people who put women down because they are usually men. men who are narrow minded and have a pathetic chip-on-the-shoulder. and i have factual proof that they are narrow minded.

i don't want to go to jc and deal with stupid guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhh. why can't there be an ijjc!?

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

singapore has talent!
artistic talent, that is.

no, this is not me suddenly being patriotic because all that nonsense has finally gotten to my head.

my sister and i went for the president's young talents thing(PYT!) at 8Q at sam on friday evening to support ms felicia low. vote for her! but the whole thing was an exhibition on 4 artists. they were all great. i think vertical submarine's a view with a room was really cool. the clock was wired to move backwards plus the ticking gave it a really eerie feeling. ahhh. i guess ms low had already spoiled hers for us since she showed it to us beforehand. but nevertheless, she rocks!

we arrived really late cause i had tuition which ended at 630(that's the time it started) but mang said to just come. the guest of honour and already arrived and begun his speech when we came. haha. then i found out that mang and wendy had just arrived too. the best part was, baba and hani were even later! lizzi didn't turn up. amanda leo came much much later; after we'd all eaten. haha. the food was quite nice. sorry people, i was hungry. and the waiters were quite attentive. mrs zailee came! and she never really told us exactly where she is now. somewhere in hougang. that's as much as we got. but we kinda so miss her. she just disappeared without really saying goodbye to us. her class of oh-so-gifted (COUGH!) aep students. haha.

interesting weeks. gosh, mr chan is super funny in class. even in his bad english - "the mask is posporous!" and we all just had to yell "porous!" and the other day he wanted qy to ask a question but she said it was a very stupid question. so he was like, "nevermind, just ask and then i will see how stupid you are." ouch!

mang and baba are super funny too! and sam, i shouldn't forget sam. the lamest of the lame. fear not sam! as we always quote baba "the lame will all run free" just look at baba, she runs fast! and according to some, like an aunty. but we were talking about what we were gonna name our children during math [i'm sorry mr teh! we still love you!] and mary ann wanted to to name her dog lasagna. she insisted on naming practically every pet she wants to own after food. then we tried doing math and somehow came up with the mary an theorem. the mary ann theorem, also known as the monster ann/mango theorem, states that the mary ann is always equilvalent to the square root of all evil. hence mary ann also equates to money. the more money you have, the more power, thus greater responsibility and time. therefore,

mary ann
= evil
= money
= a lot of time and responsibility

and baba still likes her coffee club. thank you very much for the idea mr tan

"i can't believe i stole food from an ERP gantry" - sam. the erp being baba sitting on a table eating chips and her very long legs. and the unfortunate commuters being sam and me.

I AM GOING TO MISS IJ! i think i'll just die in jc. i'll miss ij so much i'll be crying myself to pulp everyday! there'll be stupid guys and we won't be able to complain about so many things anymore! but i need a change in environment. ij's been my home for going on 10 years! that's more than half my entire life span! [i feel young now(:] but i think the change and the whole exciting bit of something new will and can probably last at most half a year. after that i'll be all bitter that everything isn't like ij cause ij's so unique. this is why i love having those whiny, honest and sometimes paranoid conversations with arielene during out free periods. if i don't end up with her in jc i won't be able to do that anymore!!! we won't be able to panic with each other about ending up alone, or talk about how we want our children to turn out, what kind of guys we find absolutely annoying or even, okay, i won't continue, some of it is inappropriate material. haha. but ij girls will know la, we're so honest with each other. oh, just the thought of leaving 10 years of love, faith, joy, hopes and dreams, worries, trials and anger, it's a horrible thought. it's just so excruciatingly painful! all those conversations that sam and me had to squash on post-its so that we wouldn't be caught? all the crazy things baba and mang say? funny lessons with mr chan, mrs alex and mr tan's retarded stories and jokes? nonsensical conversations during recess?

this is the price we pay for the things we love. yet, we pay it so willingly who would believe there was even a price at all? none, not one, no, not till the pain settles snugly in our hearts and the longing stretches out before us vast, intimidating and plain like the desert sand.

In politics if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

To wear your heart on your sleeve isn't a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best.

You don't tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive.

I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.

I love argument, I love debate. I don't expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that's not their job.

We want a society where people are free to make choices, to make mistakes, to be generous and compassionate. This is what we mean by a moral society; not a society where the state is responsible for everything, and no one is responsible for the state.

-Margaret Thatcher

this woman rocks.

eventful week?
yes, yes.

starting from....
last saturday! that's as far as i can remember currently.

Christ the King's Confi! aka, clara's confi.
she wore a dress, people! arielle and me just reached the church and we were walking up the stairs while all the confirmants were walking down. so we stood outside the room to wait to see her. (: worthwhile? yeah! saw marian hui too. gosh, haven't seen her in ages! jaime came too(: she was the one who told me about the confirmation(the day before). because somebody didn't want to tell me! haha. i ended up telling arielle about it the day itself at 530am.

Birthday dinner
after clara's confi, photo-taking and all... i went for my relatives' birthday dinner. i was late, so my dad had to come pick me up mid-way through the dinner. not really paiseh, just famished. i got to show of my Time magazine special commemorative edition for michael jackson(: it cost me 8 bucks and a kinder surprise as interest cause beatrice went to borders to buy it for me. heh.

omg, chaos.
when we got home some stupid things happened that gave us a shock. i'm still angry about it but will be nice and politcally correct and not mention it. huh.

the whole week was pretty slack in school. i don't remember anything memorable... accept everyone falling sick and OH! listening compre, yeah, how did i forget that? it was utterly boring, and i really tried my best to stay focussed! it take A LOT of effort for someone like me to focus. so i read had a really long nap when i got back home(: prison break is over. the ending was so sad! gah, how frustrating that he died. after all that?!

todayee, after church my family and me went to the guild club, or whatever it's called. my mom's a member but never goes. don't ask why, i don't know either. we ate japanese and guess what! after getting out of the car, while we were walking in, the sole of my sister's shoe fell off. this huge chunk! it always happens to her; when we went to new york, to her court shoes, in greece even! oh man, that was a lot of trouble. but it was quite hilarious all the same. the waitresses were wearing kimonos and it was the same one that hani wore on racial harmony day! even the big bow/ribbon thing was the same colour. we had trouble understanding our waitress' english. and everything was pretty expensive, not that great tasting either. i think we were paying for ambience... [raising an eyebrow] and i was still hungry after so we went to sicc at bukit and had dessert. i had apple crumble, it was more sugary than mom's. the crust was buttery. i think i liked my mom's better, but their's had raisins and a tinge of cinnamon.

watched pocahontas! disney gives you that happy feeling that you're a kid again. i love the racoon and hummingbird, even though the hummingbird is always abused. haha. they were adorable! now watching it, i realised the pocahontas looks kinda chinese, just that she has dark skin. my mother claims it's just the way it is. and that i've met red indians when we went to the grand canyon and they looked asian too. i remember the grand canyon and being terrified. that's honestly all i remember. haha. i prefer not the think about that. but all my tapes are mouldy so i can't watch most of them. even the michael jackson dangerous tour is mouldy. but i can still watch it, kinda. i neeeeeed to find that tape cleaning thing or i won't be able to watch all my disney classics!

okay, that last line tells me i need to sleep now.

i just keep wasting time sitting around and scribbling on pages.
i am thoroughly disgusted with myself.

i think i put on 2kg this week or something. i suddenly feel like the chair might break under my weight. okay, maybe not.

we watched the colour purple in lit this week(: it's pretty cool thanks to steven speilberg. i think oprah rocks in the earlier part of the movie. haha.

and had really funny ss lessons, even though we were learning about the fall of venice.
i watched the mj memorial. omg! blanket is so cute! he's just so adorable! haha. sam agrees with me(: the part when paris spoke was really heart breaking, but they kept replaying it on tv so i got a bit tired of it. the coffin was kinda ugly. but maybe it's cause gold just isn't my sort of colour.

arielene and me wasted all the chinese periods this week just talking and talking and talking! we discussed our funerals. and it was the total opposite of morbid. haha. and i do not exactly plan how i want to die, i don't think i get a choice, but the thoughts just stroll into my head, pretty much fully-formed without my help.

i hate thursdays. it is official.
we watched part of to kill of mockingbird with 4/1. oh yay. be jealous.
i ate kfc yesterday, and i realised it's been almost 7 months since i last ate that.
and my sister is going back to boarding school today.
plus i don't think i'll watch the prestige today since harper's island's season finale is tonight.
i miss watching eli stone. hope axn shows season 2 after my o levels.

ahh, my mom wants to know the latest mj news, even though i really don't think there's been much going on lately. and i didn't know he could beat box. cool eh?

oh gosh, so many things happen in one week.

firstly my sincere condolences to someone&family, i'm really shocked. but i hope you find strength in God to keep going during such a trying time. i'm so sorry. i pray God blesses you with serenity, courage and wisdom, i'm so sorry.

there's been a michael jackson song stuck in my head for everyday of the week. cool right? haha, today it was thriller. i think yesterday was smooth criminal. i wish he didn't go for so much surgery. he might have turned out to be really good looking.

omg, on wed i had chinese tuition and i ended up talking about michael jackson in chinese. haha. my chinese orals were today anyway. and michael jackson did not come out. stupid youth olympics. i don't even do pe properly, much less sports. why the hell would i care? and the mascot for the asian youth games is friggin ugly. forget it, it's over. and i don't want to think about it anymore. as ruth younger would say, goodbye misery and i don't want to ever see your ugly face again!

gosh, i really feel like sleeping now. stupid chinese.

i just thought this was really sweet:

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with"
-MJ

i've been watching and listening to him for almost whole day! okay fine, i took a 3 hour nap, went to church and went out for dinner so, that's not very long. but i've watched like, thousands of news snippets. why am i watching all of them!? it's almost becoming compulsive behaviour. or maybe it's compensation that i can't watch him live in concert.

R.I.P. michael!

this is my 331st post.
and it's for michael jackson - the greatest of the great
in spite of all his personal problems. i think my statement still stands true.
i just watched a tape that my parents had of his dangerous tour.

oh man, he was spectacular. (& that's an understatement)

i don't think there's ever been any other artist that's put on a performance as intense and power-packed as his. he threw in some other songs from other albums like thriller, billie jean, man in the mirror, as well as those he sang with the jackson 5. but he was beyond cool. he is one hell of a legend. somehow all the moves and costumes would be weird on someone else, but when he does it, it's just his style. my parents actually saw him live in concert. grrr. i think i wasn't even old enough to talk yet. but i loved watching it. made me happy.

there were tonnes of people screaming and jumping and crying... and fainting. yeah. trust me when i say tonnes. they had to haul and hoist those people out of the crowd and one of them was a guy on a wheelchair. but man, those people really cried! and michael jackson had so much zest and energy it was amazing. i still can't believe he's dead. he's someone you've heard about since you could hear. gosh, and he just left his much anticipated tour left hanging in mid-air. and his family must be overcome with grief. it was so sudden! i actually thought msn.com got the wrong info or something. cause the night before i saw the news on farrah fawcett and i thought jackson and fawcett on the same day?! no way. ohhh, i feel so miserable. it's like michael jackson! even i was singing his songs as a kid. make no mistake people; he was the musical genius, with an unbelievable gift - impeccable voice, remarkable moves and extraordinary rapport with any audience.

to one of history's most brilliant, stunning and impressive entertainers,
God bless and thank you for sharing your awesome talent with the world.

i think taylor swift is pretty,
and i don't care about joe jonas. he's beginning to look like some weird korean star trying to act cool. bleh.
but taylor swift sings happy music. even if it's kinda lame or weird, or whatever people say, they always have something to say, and they always criticise everyone else while trying to force their views on you, but most of it's happy. or at least it's easy listening.

okay, shut up, you. i am not a bimbo.
you're getting on my nerves. i swear.
if my fingers are ever within reach of your filthy, vile, useless windpipe, i will crush it.
you just wait.

urgh. why can't i sleeep!?
if this continues into the school week i will faint.
i can't be sleeping at like 2-3am everyday.
damnit.

ah,
art camp is over.
it was really quite fun
haha. we got to watch mary ann stuff herself with fries, (it was really gross)
and we watched slumdog(again) at night. joyee kept spoiling the moment. and lizzi got over excited. haha. rachelle just kept commenting on who was hot. and i had the Jaiho! song stuck in my head throughout the night. yeah, mary ann, baba, ji yeon, wendy and me worked till 3. we slept at 4+ in the morning and got woken up at 8, even after ms low said we could wake up at 10! and everytime i closed my eyes i could see brushstrokes, and i thought i was going mad.
we were totally zonked out the next day. so ms low let us take a nap. celine, qy, ji yeon and me went down to take a nap, but ended up doing retarded things. i commented that qy's sleeping bag was purple. and she said that she was special. then celine said she was gay. so to get even, qy said that the person with the even more purple (or purpler) sleeping must be even more gay... and guess who's sleeping bag that was... then qy and jiyeon started doing exercise steps and "ballet". it was hilarious. then jiyeon danced to "nobody". she practically memorised all the dance steps! she was quite good too! haha.
so by the end of our nap, we were so exhausted but we still had to go back up to do work.
i had to leave early and i had so much barang, mary ann had to help me carry some down. and my dad was such a bum, he didn't bother driving into the school or getting out of the car to help. i couldn't open the door and some of my paintings hadn't dried. so i sweared a lot because it was friggin hot and my dad wasn't gonna bother to help. huh. but since tmr is fathers' day and i don't intend to do anything special, then we are even. huh! i left my towel and cup in school la, damnit. he just came in to tell me to "press on" with my amath. i was lying on the bed so i just said "shut up la." and my sister started laughing again, cause i told her my weird dreams. i shall not tell them here because they are too embarrassing. but we were laughing so hard i needed to pee but i couldn't stop.

my ulcer hurts like hell. grrr. i hate ulcers.

i feel like doing something radical.
like cutting my hair short.
haha.
i should be sleeping. but i can't seem to start on aep.
i'm super slow, super stuck and super doomed.
the last part doesn't sound good.
hmmmm,
oh man, i watch too much tv.
prison break 3 times a week, then friends on weekdays 7-8, eli stone, fridays 8-9, the crappy chinese show on weekends, another chinese one where they get foreigners to speak chinese(i forgot about it) and harpers island! haha. i think i know what happens in the end.

and i am currently angry at wikipedia for not warning me about the spoiler at the end of the prison break article. damnit. i hate the ending.

go to sleep, damnit!
you have to do you art tmr since you're so slow!
*sulks*

ahhhh. it's almost 2am (feeling like i just lost a friend)
no, i'm still trying to complete my statement of experiences.
urgh. it's so bloody stupid. i have 7 pages worth of stuff to write and i'm still not done. so i cheated and merged some of the events cause i didn't want to write reflections for ALL of them. like, i'm trying not to bullshit so much but seriously!? i can't even recall all the activities i participated in in sec one, how am i supposed to remember how i felt and what i learnt!?
i need a thesaurus.
annoying songs stuck in my head.
i want to sleeeeep.

and i suck at mixing paints. i'm so disheartened that i don't even want to try anymore. grrrrr. wasted a lot of paint yesterday just trying to get a blue. and now my painting looks funny. thank God it's only a trial.

so after one week of extra lessons, the holiday homework actually decreased by one comprehension! and i still have,

2 physics papers
3 chem papers
2 emath papers
2 amath papers
1 ss paper
1 history paper
1 lit paper
and not to mention aep.
this had better not be hell. i don't want to be permanently stuck here.

cheeeeeeeena Os are over!
yesh! finally. okay, not really.
there's still oral and friggin' ting li, which i really, honestly, utterly and completely suck at due to my goldfish-like attention span.

so tired!
i ate lunch and went shopping at art friend after the paper with dad, mom and jie.
then we went to vivo city, and found $2 on the floor. didn't really want to keep it but everyone was staring it me holding it like it was used tissue.
and omg, i am fat.
haha. wait! no, not anorexic, just paranoid about the fat clogging up my arteries.
i'm fatter than my sister. no fair. i want nj style pe too then. huh. free fitness programme.
why do i have to be the one to put on 4kg?!
got a new pair of shorts? so that i don't have to wear the ones that will make me freeze during tuition. huh.
and a full hour + of laughter watching tv and eating sweeet corn(: i took really long just to finish dinner thanks to star world.
and i still like david cook! i didn't forget about him cause of kris(:
yay, i support the dark horse(s). heee

hope arielene's feeling that glowing sensation from within that makes you beam with joy,
and i bet her confi was a blast(:
ohh, i miss mine.
i really miss those days, when i still had time.
and i wasted it all on the little things that didn't matter anyway and i can't even recall anymore.
yeah, i miss all that.

walk on, through the thunder
walk on, through the rain

ooohh. i wasted so much time today!
i watched the finale twice. i couldn't help it. i loved the performances!
omg, keith urban and kris were terrific! yay, it was really nice.
i loved david cook's performance. it was really heart-felt. he looks a lot skinnier too. poor thing, he was sitting in front of tatiana. haha. but a lot of idols lose weight. like carrie underwood, but her dress sense is still as weird. hmmmm, i hope daffy can get me the songs. my jaw just dropped open at the kris-adam duet when the back went up and queen was there. haha. loved allison's performance too(:

oh hooray. kris is going to be great. i still think the likability factor played a big role in his win. he must have won by a really large margin since they didn't mention by how much. it's always been that way. so happy for him. yes, i've been gloating since 10am and will continue for the next few days.

OH OH OH! i know i said i didin't care who won idol...
but i can't help being over the moon right now.
haha, yeah. still.
i got clara to sms me the results(:
and i could have started screaming!!!
so glad he won.
and let's face it people, kris' win wasn't a shocker. it was america demonstrating democracy. it wasn't about adam's ambiguous orientation or kris' good looks. anyway, i kinda dreamt that kris won. i don't know why. but getting the sms from clara was deja vu.
oh yay. i loved this finale. the performances were great! it was pretty hilarious too. haha. the stupid bikini girl came back. i'm glad she was pretty humiliated. she's so annoying.
oh! happy day(:
GO KRIS!
and to all those who said he wouldn't make it!
hah! in your face fluffy!

3 generations. and it comes down to this.
it's breaking my heart.

okay, get over it. don't let annoying, downright disgraceful people bring you down.

hmmm, ey! i'm gonna miss watching kris sing every week now.):
his ain't no sunshine was reaaaaaaaally good! i actually quite liked his second performance, i liked it cause it wasn't "heavy". and the last song was really lame. there's no other word. it was just so mileycyrus-ish. ew. but kris really put in a lot of effort. the song just wasn't suited for him. it didn't really suit adam either. so i really don't see why they used it.

aep was quite fun. yay, we have a cool art studio now. thanks to ms low(:
more art tmr. or today, depending on how you see it. gahh. games day is a waste of time. i want to watch idol results!!!!

i really don't know what i'm doing here.
everyday still think about you,
if i don't it's like some serious crime.
and i can't bring myself to say it still.
hell yeah, i've improved a lot since you left
but i still cry everyday
and i don't know why.
i feel like i'm stuck. like time stopped the day you left and i keep waking up in the morning thinking it's still december. i just lie there in bed feeling like maybe i need to get away; some place far far away and just lie down in the middle of this big field and feel like the world is going to end.
i don't wonder why you left,
i don't wonder if you're ever going to come back anymore
i'm just waiting for something i don't even know.
i'm just waiting to be hurt again. to be ripped apart all over again. because i learnt that there's no point in putting yourself back together when you know it's never going to end.
i don't blame you for putting me through all that
i just wonder why.
why you couldn't have taken me with you.

oof,
i'm still tired.
i seriously wonder don't know what's wrong with me. i've been sleeping A LOT lately but i can't seem to sleep more than 5-6 hours without waking up in between. and it's hard to go back to sleep after that. gah.

i'm sorry arielene. shopping with me really sucked yesterday cause i was so unenthusiatic. i don't know why i was zapped of energy.

yay, kris is in the finales! at this point i really don't care if he wins. he'll be great. i'm sure of it. but i think he'll be better off not winning. then he can be like chris daughtry and make it big! and he can also be like davidA and come to singapore(: yay!

gm today was tiring! but fun, as always(:

OH GREAT SCOTT!
Kris' rendition of heartless was absolutely fabulous!
yay(: i'm smiling like some silly thing.
gosh, i actually really really dislike the original so when i heard that he was singing that i got really worried. but he was really great! oh yay, even if he doesn't get through he'll be superb without idol to back him. and it's cause there's so much fan fare over adam(and his gender orientation), that kris doesn't get enough credit for his talent. like, come on. let's admit it. adam pretty much ruined the competition. oh well.

but danny's second song was good too. not as good as kris, but good. even though i think sympathy votes suck, there are moments where you see this look flash in danny's eyes and it reminds you of his circumstances when he joined the competition. and kudos to him man, it's not easy to get up in front of tonnes of people, sing your heart out and know that someone who you love more than almost anything isn't there (physically). if he sang and broke down on that stage in front of millions, i'd give it to him. it's no easy task.

i'm gonna watch kris again. haha. can't help myself. yay, last spa tmr. then i can throw the notes awayyyy.

being sixteen sucks.
on my sixteenth birthday,
i got woken up at 5 am. by what? i'm not exactly sure, i think it was the beginnings of a sore throat. bu then i went back to bed at 7, only to be woken up again at 930, with a scolding from my mom for sleeping so much.
i ate breakfast late, then didn't feel like eating lunch.
i had physics tuition. (at least it wasn't chinese) and mr sirhan didn't bully me, for once. yay(:
beatrice the bugger told him it was my birthday.
then erm, my sore throat got worse. a lot worse.
at night the fever came.
i watched the lake house. which is a lousy movie to watch on your birthday.
erm, i got to wear one of my new dresses?
had cake with family and relatives (3)
and fran, the bully, told me to "Age gracefully". thanks man, made me feel great
daniel seow was two days early in wishing my happy birthday and he blames it on facebook.
the best was hillary, who is one week late in wishing me happy birthday so enthusiastically today, telling me to forget all the embarrassing things she's done...
haha. today's the 9th! not the 2nd of may! one week late, it proves my point preettayee well doesn't it?
hillary, you are slow. but it's okay, just another thing to add to the loooooooooooong list of embarrassing things you've done(: thanks all the same, darling. haha.
can't wait for physics and sova to be over! grrrr. i am declaring war against all surrealists. they've made my dreams all weird and now i'm constantly analysing all the nonsense i dreamt and forgetting them. disturbing.
and even though i wanted kris to make it to the final 3, yeah, my mouth dropped open when secrest announced his name first.
sara yang called me before i watched the results but i didn't pick up. so she sent me an sms saying she had bad news for me. and i nearly cried! okay, i kinda of cried. i was like, noooooo! don't say it please! just don't! and she was like, just joking, kris is safe. allison got kicked out. omg, i was so relieved! but like arielene says, he's gonna have a kick-ass career even if he doesn't win(: yay, going shopping with arielene for her confi stuff cause i can't make it for her confi. it's 2 days before chinese os. i need to sleep a lot before i feel like doing chinese. like i mentioned before, i need to be in a certain mood to do chinese. so i achieve that by sleep therapy. yes, i pyscho myself into feeling like i can do chinese. whatever.

omg, what's wrong with me
it's friggin almost 4am?
and i had to decide to take a nap at 930pm.
today was the chinese and ss papers.
it sucked to be totally honest cause i didn't finish studying for ss and i completely wasn't in the mood to do chinese (yes, i need to be 'in the zone' to do chinese, shut up, i know who's laughing)
but before ss even though we had time to chiong i just couldn't do it. i couldn't focus. so i gave up and went to the chapel, dragging arielene with me, and it was the best thing i did today.
it was so calming, just utter tranquility(: and i went into the exam hall knowing that i'm gonna pay for not studying hard enough, but that's my fault. i just went in there to do what i could, and know that God did all he could for me too. i guess in the past year there've been so many things that changed and it's made me shift my focus in life. i guess it really took all that for me to realise that the possibility of you losing someone in the blink of an eye is real. i still get flashbacks of those incidents everyday and i know there's nothing i can or could have ever done. it's drawing the line between holding on and letting go that's become so hard.

♥Elizabeth Estelle Tan

was born on 0205199threee. proud to be a roman catholic in holy spirit church loves her school!- CHIJTP! in which she was in classes 1/1'06, 2/1'07 3/2 '08 and 4/2 '09 IJ student council, red cross and AEP!


besides loving God, family and friends, elizabeth adores writing, reading, sleeping, music and talking is very prone to mood swings
also loves michael jackson! carrie underwood, david cook, kris allen, jason mraz, the script & taylor swift
& neil gaiman, jane austen, madeleine l'engle, maya angelou
♥






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